Is your Marriage in Trouble?? (Here are some clues)

A few weeks ago my husband and I had to take a class for a up coming temporyary custody case for our grandson.... Through the class the teacher spoke alot about how children deal with loss and divorce,  Although my marriage is not nearly at the divorce spot, tjere is always room for improvement in anything you do,  As a counselor for many years I know what I would say to a client if I were setting with them...... For me and my interpersonal relationship, those words don't always come as easy.  I wanted to share with you some signs of how a marriage might look if it is in trouble, giving you a fighting chance to give each other a life jacket.

I wish I could say that serious marriage problems happen overnight;  but they don't, they  creep up on couples gradually. And shockingly, research shows that, on average, people live in misery for six years or longer before seeking help, way to long if you are the one going through it.....

Furthermore, most couples who end up leaving their marriages never receive help at all; they just leave.

What should people who find them selves having marriage problems do instead?

Get help when things start going downhill. Nip things in the bud. And if you're wondering how to know when your marriage is headed for trouble, here are a few hints.

You're thinking about having an affair.

There are many reasons you may be tempted to have an affair. You may want the excitement that comes from a new relationship. You may want passionate sex with a different partner. You may be longing for attention and appreciation. You might enjoy risk-taking. You may be longing to connect with someone who you think is more similar to you. You might want to escape daily responsibilities and routines. There is no shortage of reasons you might be thinking of straying.

Regardless of the reasons people are unfaithful, affairs signal trouble in marriages.

Going outside the marriage does not solve marital unhappiness. In fact, affairs often create unintended problems. Once emotional energy goes outside a marriage, the issues needing to be repaired take a back seat. Problems linger and become worse.

Lies, deceit and the guilt and shame that are often by-products of affairs lead to avoidance and separateness. Suspicions run high. Trust corrodes. If your marriage wasn't in trouble before the decision to stray, it will be.   Assume your extra-marital fantasies are merely strong signs you need to do what it takes to get your marriage on track.

You fight about the same thing over and over and over.

Let's face it. Marriage and conflict go hand in hand. It's impossible for two people to live under the same roof without arguing from time to time. That, in and of itself, is not a problem.

And although there are many problems in marriage that can never truly be completely resolved, if you find yourselves having the same argument over and over and over with no appreciation of your partner's point of view and contempt at the end of the fight, you may be headed for trouble.

Your marriage will become very unpleasant and you will begin to focus on the negatives of your relationship. Or you will avoid spending time together. You will begin to feel defeated and hopeless. You might start to wonder if you are in the wrong relationship. This, without question, should be a red flag.

Escalating fights.

In addition to having the same fights, when these arguments grow in intensity over time, you should be wary.

Sometimes, escalating fights can result in either verbal or physical abuse, both of which are unacceptable. If you notice that your fights are becoming more and more hurtful, there may be deeper underlying causes that are not being addressed.

Or the lack of communication skills might be preventing loving outcomes. Either way, fights that become increasingly hostile should be taken very seriously.

Spending less time together.

 Ever wonder what the number one cause for the breakdown in marriages today. The answer to that question is obvious to me and most counselors.

Couples aren't spending enough time together.

Everything is more important than setting aside sacred time for one another. Whether it's the kids, work, friends, hobbies, relatives, and so on, everything seems to take precedence over the relationship.

When this happens, couples stop being best friends and their emotional connection suffers . They begin leading separate lives and soon the connection breaks,

I have worked with many people who have let their marriages slip away because of "doing their own things." Unless they're willing to re-prioritize what's truly important -- time together -- their marriage will remain in the danger zone. My husband and I are both guility of this.

Focusing more on kids than each other.

Our culture has become very kid-centric, meaning we place our children in the center of our lives. We make them our number one priority. There are many reasons we do this.

Perhaps we felt neglected as children and we want to give our own children better lives.

We also see everyone else being kid-centric and we feel compelled to do the same. We are busy with work and feel that all of our free time should be spent with our children, and so on.

On the surface of things, these reasons make perfect sense.

However, when we live our lives this way, our marriages suffer. We become strangers to our spouses. We feel more connected to our children than our partners.

That explains why empty nesters are still divorcing in droves. Once the children leave home, the relationship void feels overwhelming.

I  have always told  couples that the best thing they can do for their children is to make the marriage the most important thing in their lives. Children benefit enormously when their parents have loving, close relationships.  It models for children what good marriages are all about and how it looks in true form.

If you find yourself or your spouse paying more attention to your children than each other, stop and switch gears. That will put your marriage back in the center and something you can both work on.

Having little or no sex.

It's not uncommon for one spouse to have a lower sex drive than the other. This, in and of itself, is not a sign that your marriage is in trouble.

When this does become a problem, however, is when the spouse with lower desire refuses to care about the higher desire spouse's feelings and rejects most, if not all, sexual advances.

This can result in the spouse with the higher desire feeling hurt, rejected, deflated, emotionally disconnected, angry and desperate. Once a mate experiences these feelings, a multitude of things can happen.

The spouses can stop being friends, spending time together, connecting emotionally, and enjoying each other's company.

They can also begin fighting a great deal, sometimes about sex and sometimes about other things. When they fight about other things, it might be a symptom of the deeper problem -- being disconnected sexually.

If your relationship is sex-starved, you or your spouse should re-examine the reasons it's happening and do whatever it takes to bring back the passion in your marriage. Even if it's slow going in the beginning, you have to start somewhere.

You become a one- act consulting firm

You used to ask your partner for their opinions on a variety of subjects. Everything from what you should do about your difficult boss to what plans you'll make for the weekend. Those days are gone, and you find yourself making decisions without consideration for your spouse's feelings or how it might affect them

You move from teammates to roommates

Teammates work in tandem to accomplish goals. They share ideas for how to succeed and envision home and life plans together. Roommates take on singular projects with no respect or thought towards the other person in the house. They clean their space. They do their laundry.Their separate plans become your separate lives.

You stop dating. When you two were happy and in love, you "dated" each other. You did all the little things that kept the romance alive. You sent the sweet text in the middle of the day. You brought home the dessert from that little café you know they love. You made an effort to keep up your appearance. Now, you see your mate as a ball and chain instead of the hot date you used to roll out the red carpet for.

You checked out of your relationship and into your mental hotel. In happier times, your partner was your refuge because they were your best friend, your comfort and your joy. As tension sets in, you blindly interact with your mate without giving them your presence of mind. Your mindfulness has been replaced with fantasies of your new life, away from your partner.

If you're determinedly shaking your head in agreeance, that's a flashing yellow light that trouble is brewing. No one said it would be a snap, but then again, nothing worth having comes easy. You have a finite opportunity to get your marriage out of trouble before that yellow light turns red.

If you're debating and looking for the motivation you've been missing, remember that no fantasy holds up to the reality and complexities of a relationship. Even the best partnerships are messy, challenging and can often send you to the brink. They all require effort, diligence and consistency. Be part of the solution and defy those nasty odds.

You no longer, have anything in common:

Do you and your partner spend hours together under the same roof, at social engagements or performing routine errands, yet rarely engage in meaningful conversation? Living in silence is a primary symptom of major mariyal problems,

Communicating and sharing your day, thoughts and feelings creates a bond between spouses. If you are noticing a lot of silence, put some effort into filling that void. 

Looking for distractions from the problems.:

If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a troubled marriage.   If you don't take your heads out of the sand, you will find yourself facing each other in divorce court. And, that isn't a situation television or a book can distract you from. 

You do not trust your spouse anymore.

Trust is the centerpiece of a great marriage! In fact, there is nothing more central to a successful marriage than the ability to trust. If you can't trust your spouse, whom can you trust?

When you or your spouse start to have thoughts of being unfaithful and think more and more about divorce, your marriage is in trouble. Let's face it, when the trust level between you and your spouse nears zero, there is little hope for your marriage.

One or both of you show increasing disrespect for each other.

In failing marriages, there are growing signs of disrespect. Resentment and contempt have replaced patience and love. You go out of your way to avoid being together.

And sadly, when you are away from your spouse you are happier than when you are with them. Having fun with your mate seems to be a thing of the past.

When mutual respect and understanding fail, your marriage is well on the way to its end. Make no mistake about that.

I pray that these signs help someone save their marriage....Divorce is hard on children can be avoided with a little attention and time.......